Today’s lesson is on being “good”. This is such an overused phrase in our language. We tell our kids to be good boys and girls routinely. It’s a core part of the training we implant in our kids throughout childhood. Where this concept falls apart, though, is in its definition. How do we know that society’s definition of “good” matches what we know to be true for ourselves? How do we learn to reconcile that?
In another lesson, we talked about finding your truth, what resonates with your beliefs and values. In that example, we boiled it down very simplistically to loving puppies or kittens. Obviously, our lives are much more complex than that and certainly more nuanced.
Dr. Brad Reedy wrote an incredible book titled “The Audacity to Be You: Learning to Love Your Horrible, Rotten Self.” In it, he proposes the question of what might happen if we were able to let go of the concept of being “good” and simply focused on being a self. What might that look like? What would be different if we lived according to our own moral compass rather than attempting to reach some standard created by people who do not live our lives or know our hearts?
I’m a big fan of legal dramas, you know, where the lawyer stands in front of the jury box and makes an argument and convinces jurors why they should approve of the attorney’s argument and vote in favor of their client. For many of us, our whole lives, and particularly our childhoods, were filled with the feeling that we had to show that we were good enough or smart enough or whatever enough to be worthwhile of love and praise.
Let me give you an example from my own life. When I was a young child, we used to go to a grocery store about 6 blocks from my house. At the end of one of those blocks stood a little white house at the stop sign. The house had a short driveway and a chain link fence around the tiny yard. One hot summer day, my mother stopped at the stop sign and the little girl that lived in the house was outside, jumping rope. Now this particular little girl was heavy. Not just a little heavy, but obese for her frame. My mother said, “Oh Amanda. Look at that poor girl. Her poor heart.”
Now, what did 4-year-old me take from that? Fat people aren’t loveable. If I wasn’t thin, I would never be good enough to earn my mother’s approval. Want to know the saddest part of the story? That was true. My mother didn’t approve of people who struggled to be thin and judged every single one of them.
That said, here’s what else I learned. She was wrong. She was hurtful. She was ignorant and about as far from loving as one person can be in those moments. It also was always about her and the way she saw herself in the world.
My value as a human being was never determined by my dress size, but it took me decades to put down that conditioning and love the body I’m in, rather than berating myself at every turn and wasting my one precious life on shame and guilt.
Back to the courtroom of your life. Who is in your jury box? What is their definition of good enough? We’ve talked about the carrot, but now let’s talk about the stick part of this motivational system.
Allow me to give you another example. High schools train us that good equals compliant. Do what we tell you to do, exert just a little bit of effort, don’t ask too many questions and we will turn you into a graduate. Now the stick part of this argument which I like to call the “OR else” is the belief that if you don’t comply, you’ll never graduate. Your life will be over and you’ll end up living under a bridge in a tarp tent, which of course is not necessarily true.
That’s the crazy part of the “OR elses” that we run from. They’re often really exaggerated and blown way out of proportion. What if your truth doesn’t align to what your jurors are asking? What if you believe that people who are kind and compassionate are just as successful and worthy as people who earn a lot of money or look really good in the swimsuit?
We’re taught that we must please the entire jury all the time and I want to pull that curtain back and show you that there isn’t a finish line. There’s no verdict to be decided. This system is designed to keep you small and frightened and compliant with someone else’s definition of “good.”
It takes away your power to decide for yourself.
You get to decide what your truth is and live that out without worrying about the “OR else” because you got to choose what fits for you not what someone else fears.
Back in the 1940s, Sir Mark Young was the Governor of Hong Kong. He was known for his wit. One of the best stories told about him is that of the lady, lunching at Government House, who was insulted to find herself on Sir Mark’s left instead of his right. She pretended not to care—but made her annoyance fairly obvious. Finally, she remarked: “I suppose it is really very difficult for your assistant always to put your guests in their right places?”
“Not at all,” said Sir Mark blandly, “for those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.”
On my left ankle, I wear an anklet that spells out in morse code the words “Zero F’s Given.” It serves as a reminder to me that one only has a select number of F’s to give and you’d better be judicious about where you use them. I spent the first four decades of my life concerned with the opinions and approval of others and I absolutely lost myself in that process.
I wish now I could go back to that awkward 7th grader who would have done anything just to fit in and hug her fiercely. I want to let her know that the stuff that made her weird and awkward are what made her unique and interesting. When I learned to embrace my imperfection and quirks, I got a whole lot happier and I was able to follow my purpose and truth unimpeded by the opinions of those around me. As it turns out, people don’t expect you to have your act together. They only want to know that you can relate to their experiences. They don’t even need you to agree…in fact, we are all just hungry to feel seen and understood. For me, that is my divine purpose and my calling in creating this course. It’s my hope that I can help you to do the same.
I want you to know that you’re good enough. I know it and soon you’ll know it too.
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