This lesson is focused on your childhood and its implications for you as an adult. There’s a saying that if your life pleased both 8-year-old you and 80 year old you, you’d be wildly successful.
Let’s start by imagining the world of 8-year-old you. You were probably in 2nd or 3rd grade. You were learning vocabulary words to the tune of around 10 new words a day. You might have discovered reading, exploring series books like Little House on the Prairie or Harry Potter.
Emotionally, 8-year-old you has now learned how to be graceful by masking emotions. For example, a child this age can smile and say thank you for a gift that is not what they were hoping for to spare the feelings of the gift giver. You were also starting to be able to see the world from other people’s perspectives and understand context.
Kid-you was starting to develop deeper friendships and was able to seek out friends based on personality qualities you found appealing. You probably liked being part of a team sport or group activity like scouting because being included felt amazing. You had developed some independence, like a desire to do sleepovers but wavering commitment as the date approached. It is normal for you to be attached to your parents and your home at this age, preferring the familiar over novel situations.
Here are some questions I’d like you to answer to really frame up what 8 year old you’s life looked like.
Where did you live? What did your room look like? Was there something particularly cool about your space that you just loved? For me, it was a closet in my room that had two separate doors, but extended the whole length of the wall, so it was like a secret room.
Other spaces I loved in my house were the space under the basement stairs and the concrete floor down there AKA my personal roller skating rink.
Who did you live with? Did you have pets? Were there kids in the neighborhood you played with? What were some of your favorite summer memories? For example, I remember having sparklers in July, racing to run all the way around the house before the sparkler wore out.
What kinds of things did you love to do? Did you have a favorite sport or bike that you used to fill your time? Oh man, I had this cool bike with tall handlebars and a banana seat. I thought the world was mine for the taking when I rode that thing, blazing around the neighborhood at top speed.
Was there a favorite playground in your world? Did you make any kind of art or other creative expression? Sidewalk chalk drawing? Making your own hopscotch squares?
Do you remember your birthday parties back then? Did you like to go to the beach or to a pool? Did you have any favorite vacations? What kinds of activities did you enjoy the most? I’m a big fan of see saws and swings, myself. I loved catching lightning bugs and playing hide and seek in the dark in the neighborhood or red rover in my front yard. The best times were when my cousins would come over and we could run wild for hours together.
If it appeals to you, feel free to take out a piece of paper and markers and draw a picture of 8 year old you and your life. My picture would show that little brick house, with the above ground pool in the backyard. I’d show my roller skates and my banana seat bike. I’d show the kids from the neighborhood and my cousins. My parents would be larger than everyone else, because that’s the role they played for 8-year-old me. I still thought they knew it all. I followed their lead wherever it led.
What did 8-year-old you want out of life? Did that kid want to find love and happily ever after? Did they want a job that was fun, regardless of “success”? What did that look like?
It’s easy to relate to the fact that kid-you wasn’t worrying about the mundane things of adulthood, like paying taxes and ensuring there’s toilet paper in the cabinet and food in the pantry. Those things were someone else’s burden. So, when we ask ourselves what 8-year-old us would think of our lives today, we likely will get some disappointment over how little fun we actually are having! When was the last time you felt your stomach flip on the swings or did a somersault? Ate watermelon and popsicles on the back porch with the juice streaming down your chin? What about felt the wind in your face as you pedaled as hard as you could on your bike, a smile from ear to ear on your face with nothing but daylight extending in front of you? Eight-year-old you could be silly; there weren’t so many expectations for proper behavior and fitting in. You got to be you.
The front porch of my little brick house was a little concrete square. The sun would shine directly on it for most of the day, so it was warm and cool at the same time. My mom took a picture of me at 3 or 4 after I fell asleep on that porch one day when I was enjoying the sun on my face and the cool of the porch on my back. There was one step that led down to the sidewalk leading to the driveway. I’d like to invite you to imagine yourself sitting on that step, feeling the sunshine on you. The temperature is perfect, not too hot, not too cold. Sit on that step, right next to 8-year-old you. Do you have questions for them? Do they have questions for you?
You don’t need to lecture or give advice to young you. See how it feels to just sit with child you and to just hold space for them. Just love up on that kid, exactly as they are. Tell them how very much you love them and how you know all the things they’re thinking and feeling. Remind them that it makes sense how they’re feeling. Things were crazy and scary and unpredictable. It IS scary down in the basement in the dark! She’s right! You get to sit with the experience of being your own best friend in this moment.
Maybe they want to play. Maybe they want to talk. Whatever it is, you’re ready and able to provide to them. Did the child feel lonely? Did they feel unloved or maybe unseen? Were they frightened? What things did they dream of? Tell 8 year old you a little bit about your current life. Tell them about your work and your chosen family.
How did they react? Were they disappointed by the work that you’re doing? Did she tell you that you’re not very happy? Was she excited to see that you’d achieved your dreams? Listen to the child’s assessment of your decisions and the life you’ve curated. I mean, give yourself some credit – in this kid’s eyes, you are like a freaking superhero – you can have ice cream WHENEVER you want! You don’t have to ask for permission to go to the bathroom. You can drive a car! You don’t even HAVE to eat vegetables. I mean, you kinda have it made. Just saying.
Shift your focus back to your own adult life now.
Where’s the fun in your life? What brings you alive? Why aren’t you doing more of those things? When was the last time you spent time on the swings or a teeter totter? Broke out your roller skates? I mean, I get it, I’m a hundred – I’ll break a hip doing that crap these days.
What are you looking forward to? I cannot believe how many people I ask this question and then its just crickets. Then they get all excited when they think about something that’s like three or four months from now. Listen, if you don’t have something that you’re looking forward to in every single day, what is the freaking point?? How do we find little nuggets of joy in each and every day to live your life out loud?
You know that nobody is stopping you from doing a somersault, each and every day? My point is that you don’t have to spend money to have fun. What is stopping you from delighting yourself, really making yourself smile so hard it hurts?
Your homework from this session is to make a list of 10 things that might make you come alive and find a way to integrate them into the next 30 days of your life. Make 8 year old you proud!