Welcome back! In this lesson, I want to talk about friendship. This is a concept that resonates deeply with me, and I think it’s essential for all of us to understand and practice. So let’s dive in.
First, let’s talk about what makes a good friend. You might think of qualities like trustworthiness, loyalty, good listening, and empathy. The best friends are the ones that you could not see them for months and then pick up exactly as though no time has passed. They don’t judge your messy house or your chaotic life. They actually *love* you FOR those things. Good friends don’t want you to change; their bond to you is not because of who you could be, but rather exactly as you are.
Now, you can so easily describe what makes a good friend, and yet none of us treats ourselves with that same grace. Imagine for a moment that your clone were to walk in right now in the role of your very best friend. How wonderful would it be to have you as your best friend? I imagine you pride yourself on being a selfless, kind, thoughtful friend. (At least that’s what I tell myself!) How many times have you dropped everything to rush to the side of your friend in their time of need? How many wedding and baby showers have you endured? Thoughtful Christmas gifts based on your in-depth knowledge of your friend’s likes and needs.
Let me give you an example. When my good friend had her first baby, I jumped on a plane and stayed for a week and did the overnights so she could get sleep without worrying about her new son. It was amazing to see how much more human she felt after 7 straight hours of sleep.
Where this strategy falls apart is when we start realizing that we’ve given away ourselves in service to others, but they don’t return the favor. We end up angry and resentful. In truth, our dedication and commitment to others is yet another way our alligator brains try to keep us safe. After all, if we are so very good, who could abandon us?
I’m curious about what could be different if you treated yourself in that way and not in the nasty Karen voice that’s on constant nag mode you have now? What’s stopping you? We act like there’s a freaking award committee coming around to reward us for being hard on ourselves. I mean, is that even an award you’d be proud of? Would you want your kid to come home from school with that trophy?
Our thoughts guide our feelings. You have the power to cultivate your thoughts. What if you were to change that inner dialogue?
Being your own best friend starts with self-compassion. Think about how you react when you make a mistake. Do you berate yourself, or do you offer understanding? Our brains are wired to protect us, but sometimes that protection comes in the form of harsh self-criticism. That’s your survival instinct talking – the part of your brain that’s all about keeping you safe, but not necessarily making you feel good about yourself.
On top of this survival instinct, we have our higher thinking brain, where empathy, compassion, and the ability to anticipate consequences live. When we’re kind to ourselves, we’re engaging this part of our brain. But when we’re stressed or scared, our survival instinct can take over, and we lose access to this higher thinking.
So, how do we become our own best friend? We start by recognizing when our survival instinct is in control. When you catch yourself being self-critical, take a moment to pause. Recognize that your brain is just trying to protect you. Then, engage your higher thinking brain by offering yourself the same compassion you would offer a friend.
Think of a time when you felt proud of yourself. Maybe it was a small achievement, like finishing a project, or something bigger, like overcoming a challenge. Hold onto that feeling. This is how you build a positive relationship with yourself. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small. In therapy, I often ask my clients to add in small celebrations in the pursuit of a bigger goal. Our alligator brains are Janet Jackson fans – they want to know what you’ve done for me lately, not what might happen three months from now. I’ll bet you can recall every single time that a boss has given you a genuine, distinct compliment but couldn’t even begin to list all the mistakes you’ve made and what a screw up you are.
Inpatient programs will reset the reward scale twice a day – so that one mistake does not mean all is lost. Another way we do this is create reward/punishment systems for our kids that allow them to make a repair for a mistake by making an amend to reset. After all, that is the life skill we are trying to develop. We are going to make mistakes. That’s a given. We all say awful things when we step on the Lego in the dark. It’s what happens in the next 15 seconds that determines whether we make things better or worse for ourselves.
So let me give you a concrete example. Let’s say we are trying to get our teenager to do chores and it is summertime. So, we decide that the sink needs to be empty of dishes by 5 pm every night when the parent gets home. So, let’s say the kid blows it off, playing mindless video games all day. Mom is going to be HEATED when she comes home. So, when we set up the expectation, we set up a consequence that is slightly painful, enough to get the kid’s attention, but not so painful and prolonged that the kid just throws his hands up and gives up. Think about the time your mom grounded you for a month. Was that effective? Could she have gotten her message across more effectively? I don’t know about you but draconian punishments just made me better at not getting caught.
So back to our kid with the chore. So, mom has frontloaded our kid that if the dishes are not done at 5 PM, his access to the internet will be shut off for the next 24 hours. Now, of course, the kid is going to erupt at the injustice. Again, we’re not dealing with an adult brain here so the likelihood that the kid will immediately accept accountability for his decisions and the natural consequences is virtually nil. Here’s the part where we can go so wrong in managing our relationships with our kids, our employees, even our spouses. When a system is all downside, most of us will simply take our ball and go home.
So, how do we help the kid still find a way to be successful while also keeping him engaged in the system and not completely shut down. So, what might be different if we offered an alternative solution. Ok, Bobby, you didn’t get the dishes done by 5 and you lost the internet. Here’s a chance to make it right. If you do the dishes by 9 PM AND do a load of laundry, we’ll reset the clock and you’ll get your internet back.
How does that change the kid’s experience? For starters, we set the kid up for success because we’ve offered at least one opportunity to correct a mistake without creating a big explosive scene. At that point, it is the kid’s choice to accept the consequence or to make the amend. Fast forward to adulthood and the young person pisses off his partner by being late to their date night. Best believe he needs to know how to make an amend, not simply sit back and resent the consequences. That’s the adult skill here. We make mistakes. Life happens. We have to develop skills where we can do what we can to make a repair and then forgive ourselves so we can do better the next time. Mistakes should not be life sentence.
Now, let’s imagine turning that same compassion inward. What if we gave ourselves a chance to fix mistakes and move forward productively? What if we could talk about our mistakes in our “please pass the butter” voice and own our part in them. Of course, we are responsible for turning that hard-won experience into knowledge for the next time, but carrying our shame around like a handmaid’s cloak to hide ourselves isn’t serving anyone.
Another key aspect of being your own best friend is self-care. Treat yourself with the same care and respect you give to others. This could mean taking time to relax, doing something you enjoy, or simply taking care of your basic needs. When you prioritize your well-being, you’re telling yourself that you matter. Here is an example from one of my clients. She’s ready for bed by 8. He’s a night owl. They have different times they need to wake up in the morning, so he can stay up later and still get his 7-8 hours of sleep. Unfortunately, she believes she’s serving her relationship by staying up way past her bedtime in order to “spend time with him”, but she’s shortchanging her own sleep to do that. Over time, she gets more and more exhausted and resentful. The next thing you know, she wants to throat punch him over dishes in the sink when what she really is is physically spent.
We have to get to know ourselves the same way we would a friend. How much sleep do we really need? How often do we need to eat? How much water does our body ask for? What temperatures can we tolerate and what can we not? It is simply too much to lay these basic care tasks on our partners. We have to make sure they get met first, before we can give anything to others. Remember – we ask the pilot to also put on an oxygen mask. In fact, we ask the pilot to put one on first because that job is important for the well being of all of us. Again, we’re not looking for perfection. Nobody is out here adulting on 10 hours of sleep every night. Life simply doesn’t allow for that most of the time. We’re trying to fulfill all the roles perfectly, employee, boss, parent, spouse, child, sibling, you name it. At any given moment, something is being sacrificed at the cost of something else. Our work, then, is to be vigilant in unearthing our limits and holding those sacred, because no one is going to be able to do that for you.
If we’re exhausted, our friends would come in and say, “Honey, go to bed. This is all going to be here in the morning.” They might say, “You know, feeding your kids McNuggets for the third time this week is not a mortal sin.” They’d be right there, seeing how hard we’re working and giving us the grace when we try to do too much.
One more thing: boundaries. Being your own best friend means setting healthy boundaries. This means saying no when you need to and not overextending yourself. It’s about knowing your limits and respecting them. When you do this, you’re honoring your own needs and well-being.
As Brad Reedy explains it in his book, The Audacity to Be You, when you come to know yourself as you are, it suddenly becomes insignificant what other people think about you. You get to just be. Maybe your limits aren’t the “right” ones. You don’t have to justify them; you get to simply live your truth and leave others to theirs.
Now, let’s explore how being your own best friend ties into attachment theory. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, explains how our early relationships with caregivers shape our expectations and behaviors in relationships throughout life. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
People with a secure attachment style generally have a positive view of themselves and others. They feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. However, those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles often struggle with self-worth and trust in relationships. Anxious individuals may fear abandonment and seek constant reassurance, while avoidant individuals may distance themselves to avoid dependency.
By being your own best friend, you’re essentially forming a secure attachment with yourself. This means providing yourself with the trust, loyalty, and support you need to feel safe and valued. When you practice self-compassion, self-care, and set healthy boundaries, you’re creating a reliable and nurturing inner relationship. This inner secure attachment can be healing for those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles, as it helps to rewire your brain to feel more secure and balanced in relationships with others.
Think of your inner relationship as a foundation. When it’s strong and secure, it becomes easier to navigate external relationships with confidence and stability. You begin to trust yourself more, which reduces anxiety and the need for constant reassurance. You also become more comfortable with intimacy and setting boundaries, which helps to alleviate avoidant tendencies.
So, let’s recap. Being your own best friend involves self-compassion, self-care, celebrating your successes, learning from your mistakes, setting healthy boundaries, and forming a secure attachment with yourself. It’s about treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and support you would offer to your closest friend.
I’d like you to take a moment and think about how you can start being a better friend to yourself today. What small step can you take to treat yourself with more kindness and compassion?
Remember, this is a journey, and it takes time. But with each step you take, you’re building a stronger, more positive relationship with yourself. And that’s something truly worth celebrating.